The loss of trust and love

SO my best friend abandoned me. I guess I should’ve seen it coming, everyone leaves eventually. He said it’s cause I talk to much so I guess it’s my fault. I’m not surprised.  It just isn’t what I saw coming even though deep down I knew it was bound to happen eventually. The reason he gave is a lie I have screenshots of the things he said about me lists of why he hated me and never wanted to see me again.  I loved him like a brother and more then anything; guess that shows how much I get for loving.  There is no point in trusting anyone if no matter what I do they are going to abandon me in the end.  I wonder if he saw me hurting if he would feel bad. (my guess:he wouldn’t care because he never did) Nobody truly loves me they love the me I wish I was, the me I display to the world but can never be.  I just dont understand why everyone hates me so much when all I did was love them. Guess I will never be enough.

why.

How come the ones that make you feel alright are the first to abandon you?

How come the ones you love the most cause you the most pain?

Why does everyone hate me so much?

Did I do something to make you want to leave?

Was having me around that bad?

Would you really just leave without a word?

Why did you say the things you said, even if you knew they would hurt me?

Why would you let me die?

why me? please tell me what I did.

Please just tell me, why?

 

Wonderland

Save me from the demons

Save me from the dark

Save me from the pain that’s in my empty heart

 

Sometimes I have to wonder is anyone there at all

Cause I cry out for help but no one runs to my assist

So please just take me out of this awful life

Into a place like wonderland

Maybe they can make me feel much better in that place called wonderland

 

They can save me from the demons that lurk in my heart

Save me from the darkness that lurks deep within

Possibly take away the pain that’s in my empty heart

 

Going on an adventure X marks that spot

Don’t know what it is but it’s the only hope i’ve got

Down through the tiny itsy bitsy rabbit hole

Avoid the queen of hearts, or it’ll be a game of war

Don’t forget tea with the mad hatter you’re running late

 

Wonderland can save me from the demons in my heart

Distinguishing the darkness that lurks within

Maybe save me from the pain in my empty heart

 

Wonderland can save me i wouldn’t see why not

Wonderland can change me into something that i’m not

Why won’t you take me to a place that could save me

Why dont you just take me to wonderland

 

It’s mysterious and dangerous just like my soul

Beautiful and whimsical like everything i’m not

If you say how you feel off with your head

But if you don’t say the way you feel you are…

Trapped forever in a place called wonderland

run my child

As your back turns while you run away

I see an image of pure alarm

You need help but you don’t want none

All that’s left to do is run, run, run

 

Flee in alarm, run fast as you can

There’s no escaping, your own shadow

You are right , you should be scared

Never imagined, it’d be of yourself

 

So run my child away from the mirror

Away from the real, and into the lies

You can never escape yourself

But I guess you could try, run run

 

Trapped in a corner, didn’t I say?

There is no running from your self hate

It’s time to learn your secrets

To search your deep and darkest corners,

finding out who you really are

 

As you try and run away from me now

My blood turns cold full of regret

There is no point in learning about you

You refuse to let yout true self be found even by your own being

 

Just keep it up with  your mask

Someday someone will see right through

And demand that you give your answers

Then you have to run my child

 

So run my child away from the mirror

Away from the real and into the lies

You can never escape yourself

But i guess you could try.. Run

 

Run run run away from me now

I will always know right where to find you

There’s no point in running from me i’m you

Dont avoid the reality to long

 

Run run run until you no place to go

You’ve pushed all away trying to save yourself

Trying to avoid yourself, isn’t that correct

You’ll never outrun me for i’m reality

 

thinking

I spend a lot of time to myself lately.  My parents get mad at me for not talking to them enough, which frankly, I find stupid.  I think about my problems quite often I don’t know how else to say, my life is a mess and I’ve got nothing left to give this life. my stomach is growling “forgot” to eat dropped 6 pounds going on 20. my life is a mess, “I just had an itch” tracing a knife down along my skin.  Didn’t know it’d leave marks but don’t care that it did I deserve all the scars that I bear. So look me in the face tell me “life is great” say that with a smile.  You never know what I’m thinking to myself.